Today is not shaping up to be such a wonderful day. Here I sit, an hour and a half until Memaw's viewing and thinking about what a wonderful woman she was. I have come to the realization that my husband deals with sadness and stress like no one else I know. He sleeps. I tend to stress until I am sick, and then I sleep. I feel like if I sleep, then when I wake up everything will be better. I don't want to do this. I don't want to see my daughter upset tomorrow at the funeral because she lost a grandmother that she loved dearly. It wasn't fair to her. She didn't get much time with her before she died. Even when Memaw didn't recognize my husband at her birthday party, she remembered my daughter.
The other blow of the day is, my daughter will have to do visitation with her father on Saturday. She is already under enough stress. I have decided to wait until after the funeral to tell her about it. She doesn't want us to leave so we have agreed to stay but sit on the other side of the restaurant while they visit. He was not happy when I let him know that, but it was my daughter's request, so he can't be too upset about it. He requested that my husband not be there. The drama between him and my husband seriously makes me ill. My husband has never tried to take his place with my daughter, and has never done anything to him for him to have such a hatred for him. A grown man that will falsely accuse another man of assult, has plenty of his own issues.
My nerves feel like frayed wires. Like any little spark will set me off, and my stomach is in knots and cramping up. I don't like feeling like this. Now I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep, in hopes that when I wake, everything will be back to normal. Time to take an anxiety pill and to pray.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
The greatest man I ever knew
Today has been 22 years since my Grandfather passed on to heaven. It seems so long ago, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday. There have been times in my life that I have blocked out, but that day I remember so vividly and can recall everything that happened.
I guess because it was a turning point in my life. The only father that I ever had passed when my Grandfather passed away. I have a few very fond memories from the short time I spent with my Gramp. My Mom always says that I gave him an extra ten years here on earth. My Gramp's health was bad when I was born and my Mom and Grandma always say that I put the life back into him.
I remember sitting on my Gramp's lap and braiding his long white beard, or laying on his lap while he stroked my hair while we watched tv together. I remember his smell, I remember playing with the pearl snaps on his long sleeve shirts. He used to sit and play with my dolls with me and we would sit for hours and play the piano together. I remember before his health got bad we would walk down to the doughnut shop and get breakfast together or walk to the gas station for an ice cream. He even made me my own seat on the back of his motorcycle complete with a belt so I didn't fall off. I remember Saturday mornings my Grandfather would put on his blue jumpsuit and his trucker hat and go out and mow the lawn and I would sit on the steps and watch him. He never let me get too close because he didn't want me to get hurt.
I learned many many things from my Grandfather, like what a REAL man is like and how a real man treats their wives. It always brought a smile to my face when I would see him walk past my Grandma and sneek a kiss. I remember when he was in an onery mood he would stand outside the bathroom door quietly when Meme was in there and when she would open the door up he would be standing there with his nose to the door and a big grin and everytime she would get startled he chuckled.
My Mom used to use my Grandfather as an example to me of God's love. She couldn't have had a greater example. I know my Gramp had to have a hand in picking out my daughter because she is too much like him for him not to have. Sometimes I think, how is it possible for her to have so many traits like him without ever having met him.
I know my Gramp is sitting in heaven looking down on his family and smiling at all of the great and great great grandchildren that he has now that he's never gotten to meet. He always wanted a big family and he definitely laid the ground work for that very well.
I just wish I had one more chance to hug him and tell him how much I love him and miss him. Today is always a tough day to get through but I'm going to think about the good times and all of my good memories. I miss you, Gramp and I love you more than you'll ever know.
I guess because it was a turning point in my life. The only father that I ever had passed when my Grandfather passed away. I have a few very fond memories from the short time I spent with my Gramp. My Mom always says that I gave him an extra ten years here on earth. My Gramp's health was bad when I was born and my Mom and Grandma always say that I put the life back into him.
I remember sitting on my Gramp's lap and braiding his long white beard, or laying on his lap while he stroked my hair while we watched tv together. I remember his smell, I remember playing with the pearl snaps on his long sleeve shirts. He used to sit and play with my dolls with me and we would sit for hours and play the piano together. I remember before his health got bad we would walk down to the doughnut shop and get breakfast together or walk to the gas station for an ice cream. He even made me my own seat on the back of his motorcycle complete with a belt so I didn't fall off. I remember Saturday mornings my Grandfather would put on his blue jumpsuit and his trucker hat and go out and mow the lawn and I would sit on the steps and watch him. He never let me get too close because he didn't want me to get hurt.
I learned many many things from my Grandfather, like what a REAL man is like and how a real man treats their wives. It always brought a smile to my face when I would see him walk past my Grandma and sneek a kiss. I remember when he was in an onery mood he would stand outside the bathroom door quietly when Meme was in there and when she would open the door up he would be standing there with his nose to the door and a big grin and everytime she would get startled he chuckled.
My Mom used to use my Grandfather as an example to me of God's love. She couldn't have had a greater example. I know my Gramp had to have a hand in picking out my daughter because she is too much like him for him not to have. Sometimes I think, how is it possible for her to have so many traits like him without ever having met him.
I know my Gramp is sitting in heaven looking down on his family and smiling at all of the great and great great grandchildren that he has now that he's never gotten to meet. He always wanted a big family and he definitely laid the ground work for that very well.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
random thoughts from a stressed out mother...
When my daughter was born it was the most amazing day of my life. She was the most perfect little girl with the darling ringlet curls and the chubby cheeks. As she grew she became my best friend and the most important person in my life. I have protected her the best I have known how to for the last 12 years, however some things a mother can't protect you from.
As the "mommy" my job is to make every hurt better, even those hurts. Sometimes I don't know what to say to make it better. All I can do is hold her and tell her I love her. I do everything I can possibly think of to take the pain away and I pray every night that it will be enough. She has been blessed with an amazing step father who loves her more than anything in this world. He helps her pick up the pieces. I know God brought us together not only for me, but for her also. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason and one day I'll know why we've been tested this way.
Teen years are the first thing that comes to mind. I love her to pieces but as she enters those terrible teen years, at times the thought occurs to me that I would have been better off raising chickens. haha Sometimes I look at today's youth and think, "were we REALLY that bad?" She tends to get mouthy like her friends at times and as a good parent you have to keep very close tabs on them as far as their friends, what they watch on tv, what they listen to on the radio and so on and so forth. These are the inevitable things that parents have to protect their children from.
However, how do you protect your child when it is their other parent that hurts them? How to you fix it when part of them is what breaks their heart more than anything and kills their hopes and dreams? How do you teach your child to love their other parent even though they've hurt them so badly that the child wishes they would never have to see them again?
My daughter has had a very rough time with her fathers love. Unfortunately his love is not unconditional. She feels as if she's never good enough and has been lied to about so many things that she gets totally confused and never knows what is truth and what are lies. Why should a 12 year old have to differentiate this? What kind of a world are we living in that a child can't even hug their parent and say they love them without being asked what they want. Is it so hard to believe that a child's love really IS unconditional? I believe that the love of a child is the truest kind of love aside from God's love. When I look into my little girls eyes and she says she loves me, all of the frustration from the "teen years" and all of the arguments and all of the stress from her father issues seem to melt away. I truly feel that I see God's love in my daughter's eyes, and I wish it was that easy for her father to see into those beautiful little eyes too so he would realize how badly he's hurt her.
As the "mommy" my job is to make every hurt better, even those hurts. Sometimes I don't know what to say to make it better. All I can do is hold her and tell her I love her. I do everything I can possibly think of to take the pain away and I pray every night that it will be enough. She has been blessed with an amazing step father who loves her more than anything in this world. He helps her pick up the pieces. I know God brought us together not only for me, but for her also. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason and one day I'll know why we've been tested this way.
In the meantime, I will continue doing what every good mother does...pray for my child constantly and hope that they listen when God quietly guides them and helps to ease their pain.
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